Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
