you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
