Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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