yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
