i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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