So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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