the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
