i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I want to fling myself into the sun
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
