Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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