I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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