This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
