the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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