my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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