So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
