my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
