You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
