Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
