babies were throwing up all over the place
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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