Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
