My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize