you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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