Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
