i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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