If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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