i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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