I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
