I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
