whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
