Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
