oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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