i need an iv and a liver transplant
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
