Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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