I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
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I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got inside last night via doggy door
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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