Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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