This house was built for laser tag.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
