you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
