im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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