good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
