Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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