smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
