guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
