and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
