After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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