I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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