so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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