***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
