FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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