i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
