Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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