Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.