My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
