i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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