Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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