I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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