I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
