An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
