anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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