Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Is Oprah even human
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
