peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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