I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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