I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
