i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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