just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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